Once upon a time, in September 2012, a friend dared me to write a musical script involving "giraffes," "a loaf of bread," and "the five-second rule." And so, a horrible disfigurement was born.
Fun Fact: I use Japanese quite randomly sometimes, despite my verbal Japanese being poor. (Hence the name of this blog!) This work contains a short burst of nonsensical Japanese. The original file is signed in Japanese, but here I simply omitted my name.
Comprehension Warning: The script below is meant as a joke. Comprehension is not expected. Also, I'm horrible at rhymed poetry, so I thought that bit worked out nicely with the atmosphere. I also did not revise it in any way from the original 2012 file (besides removing the Japanese name).
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
I reserve all rights to this work. Please do not use or repost in any form without my permission.
Giraffes Who Drive Just a Little Too Fast:
The Five-Second Rule is So Overrated
A musical.
Characters
Cerevisiae- Antagonist. Loaf of pumpernickel bread.
Likes to sit in the pantry beside the bananas, honey, and peanut butter.
Zagzagael- Vechicle savant. Always looking for the
next best thing.
Uri- Likes the passenger's seat. Has disturbing dreams of eating
pumpernickel in his sleep.
Tsiciryl- Narrator.
Tsiciryl: Churn, churn, the flo'ry waters,
Cerevisiae.
Rise, rise, and
let loose the 'roma, Cerevisiae.
Stir, stir, the
air above us, where the children play.
Tamper, tamper,
with our engines, Cerevisiae.
Birth, birth,
give thoughts to your long necked prey.
But, beware,
beware, scrumptious Cerevisiae.
Beside, beside
so near the honey is where you'd like to stay,
But below, below
the crusted grain is where you fall, you may.
Enter Uri.
Uri: Extends his blue tongue slowly and wraps it around a branch, his eyes
lazily watching a group of small children point sticky fingers at him through
the fence before they turn to investigate the more interesting cheetahs.
(Car passes on dirt road behind the
ramshackle zoo fence.) Car radio: Breathing in the haze,
Feeling free at
last,
Free from the
maze
lost in the
past.
I wanna be
Like that other
guy
Teach me to be
So, oh, so fly.
Break down this
fence
So I can spread
these wings.
Teach me to fly
I want this now.
Wanna learn how
(fades)
Zagzagael: Walks
up beside Uri and stretches his neck over Uri's. Strips a branch and chews
swiftly, retracting his neck, a twinkle of adventure in his eye.
Tsiciryl: Today's the day we make the break, my
friend.
Yonder is the
fence not a man could mend.
Our day of
running with the spotted is at hand.
The grains of
flour fall like sand.
(Nearby, a small child drops
a slice of pumpernickel under the fence.)
Uri: Blatantly ignoring his penmate, catches a whiff of the pumpernickel.
His eyes glaze over.
Tsiciryl: That smell, that smell, that
honest scent
pulls
at my mind
tugs
at my will.
A
newer energy has awoke
to
rival the words which he had spoke
a
foot towards the broken fence,
my
innards are feeling the slightest bit dense.
These
leaves cannot satiate my churning pouch.
I
yearn for more…
The wind: Cerevisiae.
Zagzagael: Puzzled by his penmate, but takes his actions as acceptance and trots
towards the fence. His trot picks up and he catches up to Uri, giving his fur a
light tug of encouragement before bounded over the downed fence and taking off.
Halts in front of the cheetah’s cage and takes a nice long piss before looking
back for Uri, his teeth bared in an almost human expression.
Uri: A whiff of urine clears his mind and he shakes his long neck, his
eyes losing their glaze. Stares around stupefied, his eyes resting on his
penmate and realizing he’s outside the fence. Bewilderment sets in and he
notices a small band of humans approaching with long shiny, ominous objects.
His eyes dart from the humans, to Zagzagael, to the broken fence, unsure of how
he should act.
(As the men approach, one of
the children picks up the dropped piece of pumpernickel. A parent immediately
rushes over and smacks it from the child’s hand, sending it flying over the
fence.)
Child’s sibling: Laughing. Don’t forget the five second rule, Tim!
The child’s face scrunches up
as he ignores the intervening adult and stretches a hand through the fencing as
if he could reach the abandoned slice. His mother grabs his arm.
Child’s mother: Come along now, Tim. It’s
time to go home now. Granny’s coming over to visit, remember? She’ll be sure to
bring you a lot more fresh pumpernickel. Gives
him a light tug. Come, now.
One of the men takes aim and
releases a sedating dart, which lands snugly amongst the furs of Uri’s
hindquarters.
Uri: Rears up from the sudden pinch and bolts, only to suddenly feel whoosy.
The man throws up his arms in
dismay as the others scurry about like ants.
Tsiciryl: That shot sounded through
the day.
Images
are forming.
The
sting has shorn away
the
last of reason.
The
world without Cerevisiae.
The
swoosh of air and
He
turns around
and
there lies his penmate on the ground.
With
not a hand to extend
he
gives his neck
to
encourage a fallen friend.
Five
seconds.
Five
seconds.
Just
a second left.
And
around the corner come
those
growling ground jets.
二人ともすぐに走って
動物園から出て、
世界の光に来て、
心はすばらしいことが感じた。
Five seconds from freedom those two giraffes were
the world around them was but a blur
The little boy turned and broke from his mother
only upset that there was no butter
as he rushed back and picked up the bread
crashing to the ground came both giraffe’s heads.
He crammed the bread whole into his little mouth
giraffe’s hair and all went straight down south
with the power of his little gulp
he consumed Cerevisiae.
Uri: Feels a pressure relieved as his mind
clears. Has an urge to go back to chewing on his tree leaves. Passes out.
Zagzagael: Dreams of speeding in a roaring jet on the freeway, listening to that song:
Car radio: Breathing in the haze,
Feeling free at
last,
Free from the
maze
lost in the
past.
I wanna be
Like that other
guy
Teach me to be
So, oh, so fly.
Break down this
fence
So I can spread
these wings.
Teach me to fly
I want this now.
Wanna learn how
(fades)
END
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